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“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Raisins are grape jerky.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”