[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
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God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
oh you wanna fight?!
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…