COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
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One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I support this random dude and all his protests
starting a garage orchestra
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?