I have obtained a hat
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My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
The devil.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble