A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
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Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded