I hope this email finds you in a well
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This is the coolest video you will see today.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Wait a second…
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.