What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
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It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.