Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
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I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.