As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
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{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…