[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
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Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
fixed it
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me