I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
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Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
He’s dead
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore