ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
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I have never related to anyone more.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.