nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
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NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
that wasn’t the question
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?