[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
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When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Seems kinda suspicious
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Everything reminds me of my ex
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?