Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
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As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
they really do be looking like this
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
How to make infinite energy.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off