Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
You Might Also Like
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.