The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
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Hey! This isn’t my car!
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure