water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
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Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health