“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
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My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”