i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
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advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.