[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
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Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.