There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you