If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
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Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
When I said I liked it rough.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*