Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
consequences, the bane of my existence
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Don’t we all.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork