A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
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I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
reviewed some movies recently
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.