When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
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If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I’m already scared
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.