[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
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The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.