Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
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when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.