Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
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I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
What
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.