No laws when master is gone
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[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want