[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
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A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat