It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
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I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.