Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
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alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it