Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
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Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
reminder
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste