If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
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It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Danger is very dangerous
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.