Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
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wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.