I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
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hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
🤣✨#caturday
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.