video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
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I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
We need more people like this.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how