My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
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I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
do horses think humans are hats
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.