This is I, Robot all over again
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If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I unironically love this joke.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off