Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
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Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Cartman: Respect my
a a
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Reporter: *ports again*
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]