I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
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Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme