Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
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Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.