A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
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Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know