I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
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[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”