The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
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Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
iPhone X
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”