Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
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I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
mumsnet is amazing
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
There’s never enough good news
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.