Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
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99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.