My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
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Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”