“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
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My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
multitasking lunch
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Seas the day!!!!
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.